It’s no secret or big deal, but this semester I’m taking a break from uni and I’m living back up in the Coromandel for the rest of the year. I’ve been struggling with depression for over a year and a half now, a bit of stuff in my life has happened, and I need to take time out to properly deal with it and get back to the old happy self I used to be. I just re-read over that paragraph and everything seems kind of abrupt haha but I don’t know how else to put it!
I feel as though I’ve moved a long way away from who I was and want to be as a person, I’m unmotivated, unhappy and well, I guess you get the point! For ages I had been debating if coming home was even the right idea – I’d made so many amazing friends down in Dunedin and I loved the city itself, but now that I’m back up at home (and its considerably warmer too woohoo) I feel comfortable in knowing I made the best decision, for myself. I naturally worry about everyone else and put most people ahead of myself, and the reason I was so hesitant to leave was because I thought I would be letting people down or disappointing others.
But thankfully, I’ve come to realise that a semester in the scheme of things is nothing, but if it means getting better and back on track then that in itself is the most valuable thing.
Like most of us, I just want to try to be the best version of myself, and I want to start enjoying life. I’m not one to complain, but at just 19 years old I’ve find myself enjoying little about life – which is ridiculous really. I have my whole life ahead of me, I’m young, I have so much yet to see, and being miserable isn’t a proper way to live.
Some people in my life can’t understand why I’m depressed just being a teenager; because I haven’t had a mortgage, a business or a mid-life crisis apparently I don’t know what stress is or what the worse is to come. But I stand by the fact that everyones struggles are different, unique, and different things affect everyone in a different way. Sure I haven’t had a mortgage or taken out a fucking home loan, but I’ve definitely had a few experiences in my life which have contributed to the way I feel now. And that’s just part of life, it needs to be accepted, acknowledged and processed.
I want to set goals for myself and smash them, even the little things. Number one is to get my license – I’ve had my little blue learner license for about 3 years too long. I want to connect with my family more, I want to become passionate again, I want to write more, I want to bake amazing things; the list goes on. But the first step is admitting and acknowledging – I’ve said this when making some off-handed comments about being an alcoholic (Uni made me drink more I swear) but it’s true. So here I have it, all laid out, all said.
Next step is to do it.